Episode 18 - She Held it Differently Than I Did- Mother's Day Special

This one's different.

This week, Jess's mom pulls up a chair and what unfolds is the kind of conversation that doesn't happen at the dinner table. It happens when you're finally ready (if that is even a true statement), but when you're old enough to look back, and brave enough to look at each other.

We all grew up in families that held hard things in different ways. Some of us learned silence. Some of us learned hustle. Some of us learned that love looks like showing up even when you didn't have the words, and honestly, neither did they.

This episode is a real-time reckoning ... not to point fingers, but to finally see each other clearly. To name what shaped us. To honor what was survived. And to ask the question that might be the most courageous of all: What did you need that you never got to ask for?

Whether you've lost a parent, are navigating a complicated relationship with one, or are raising kids while still healing yourself, this one's going to land somewhere tender. It only skims the surface of what some of search for meaning in our upbringing. We hope it helps you feel a little less alone in your own story.

This is GetGritty. And today, it got really real.

GetGritty explores  the challenges and struggles that make us adaptable humans and find meaning moving forward.

Jaz Chahal is the Founder of Mindset Evolution
Jessica Porté is a Consultant and Grief Educator with Wayfinder Family Co.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:10

Welcome everyone. Thank you for another episode and being here with us at GetGritty with Jazz and Jazz. This is Jess. Get gritty is where real stories meet raw vulnerability and strength. And in here we dive into the moments that really tested us throughout our lives. They shaped us. They taught us who we really are. And when we talk about these moments, we're not necessarily talking about coding things and rainbows and silver linings, but it's about the time that we take in finding meaning and purpose and joy in the middle of all the mess. So thank you for being here and taking the time to get gritty with us. Today is a very special day. Um and it happened really quickly. I have my mom here today, Cecil Co. Um, mom, would you like to say hi?

SPEAKER_01 0:52

Hello, everyone. My name is Cecil Ko. Like Jessica said, I am her mother.

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Um my mom has what we used to call as kids like her like her operator voice. Um she's using it right now. Um thanks, mom, for being here today. Uh, to be all fair, you know, I've had it in my mind and I've talked about this with Jazz that I've I thought it would be really fun to interview our moms because both of us really talked about what we learned in our childhood and having our own stories to tell and what would it look like to hear it from the mom's perspective, especially as we talk about what we differ from generationally, how we saw situations completely different, what we navigated, what maybe sometimes we didn't understand as children that we do now, and vice versa, where my mom didn't really understand what I was going through when I was younger, that we've actually really had the good opportunity to talk about as an adult. And, you know, that took work, that took multiple conversations, and not all of them were successful, right, mom? Yes, very much so. So um, we thought it'd be fun to just talk about it today. So, mom, you know, growing up, you know, we've already done an episode and just to give a little background to our listeners about just our upbringing, that, you know, you came here from the Philippines when you were how old, Mom? Nine. Nine years old. And um met dad. Dad was also raised, um, born in the Philippines and came out here and then started a family with dad. So tell us a little bit about what that was like.

SPEAKER_01 2:28

It was very, very difficult because uh Jessica's father and I got married quite young. He was 19, I was just turning 21, and we eloped, as a matter of fact. So that just showed you how stupid we were. Not stupid, but we were young. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:49

Okay, but like what was that like? Especially, you know, what I know from my grandparents and some of the traditional values that they wanted for you two to be so young. And from what I understand, not too long after that, had my brother and started a family, just what was that like for you two? And and especially, you know, I think even speaking to some of that you were even then had some visual impairments of what what kind of what was that like just trying to start a family in a life kind of under those? That was extremely difficult for me.

SPEAKER_01 3:22

Extremely, because even before I planned to have children, I keep I kept asking the doctors if this is inherited. If I can pass it on to my children, and they promised me it wouldn't, it wouldn't. So when I got pregnant with your brother, Jason, I was scared to death. Then he was she turned out to be fine, then you I was still scared, and you turned out to be fine. So when your sister Gina was born, I was totally, totally off guard because I thought everything's gonna be hunky dory. But guess what? She was not only blind, but she was also autistic. Yeah. That was the beginning of our challenges that I don't know how we survived it.

SPEAKER_00 4:11

Well, the beginning of your challenges is fair to say, like, even you mentioned it just starting out young. And from what I remember or the stories I've been told were that that Dan like really worked his way up through like working at fast food chains, the hospital, oh yeah, and going to night school. And so that was a component of hey, you know, I found my person. And there's something to that that I think that I really appreciated. It like I know there's a lot to be said about going in order and that making things easier, but also what it means when you have found someone you really want to do life with, and even it means going out of order, and I think that's something that I always we talked about it last night, about the fact that through all the trials and tribulations, you and dad are still together, and that has a lot to do with why I think sometimes why things ended up okay. Not to say that for other people who don't have that, that it can't, but I do think that it was something in and you know, studies show that those foundations, you know, of having two parents in the household really improves things.

SPEAKER_01 5:16

Yeah, but your dad, when he was going to college, he the one I know it's basically obvious that he has to be the one to graduate because an eye problem which impaired me. And that was one of my biggest problems was when my children is gonna ask me, Mom, what's wrong with your eye? Or when they start to notice. I hate I was dreading that time when they're gonna figure it out. Because I all my life I pretended it wasn't there. I really truly pretended. I was good at pretending. Yeah, you were.

SPEAKER_00 5:54

Yeah, you were. Let's actually talk about that because I think there's some part of it where when I when I think about it from a positive sense, that it wasn't so much that that you could pretend, but it was your will to be treated equally. Yes. That's what I always aspired and loved about you. What I hated about it is that it was a lie in in how you were going about it. So, like for an example, like we let's let's look at like some of this. Um, like when we were really little and we'd go to a restaurant, I would know. Stop it. I would know because my mom, like, I there's a thing I think, and I don't know if at other families who are raised in whether it's neuro, neurodivergent homes or even like physical disabilities, you start to really understand what it means to live in a high context where you can almost see and predict needs, right? You can understand what's going out without anyone having to explicitly write it out and tell you exactly what's needed in that home. And I think high-tech context homes is already pretty prevalent for collective type cultures. And we come from the Philippines, my parents come from the Philippines. But then I think you add that layer of also being mindful of other people's special needs. You start to see things, especially for me as a child. I would scan an area and I would know that needs to be picked up, that needs to be moved. What does that look like? And you start to kind of see how you can predict your environment. And, you know, I think to that point, there's a a really special skill that gets developed in that. And there's also really sometimes some really heartache and trouble of also stress and boundaries that get put around it. But a story that I I I love that when I tell people, they're like, really? I'm like, one, my mom, she knows how to compliment you on all your stuff and like and like and move. And she but you're good around C a bit dying. That's true. When we were younger, you still could see. And and you had what was the level of you could see? Like, was it color, shapes? What was still another color, shapes, eyes, but only up to maybe about three feet. Yeah. I remember that. I remember you even had um the teleprompter. It was big because it was like the 80s and 90s where you had it was like you had to put your the letters that you would get from the mail on a screen and the screen projected it even bigger. And then me and my brother used to go in there and play with all the knobs, and then when she tried and do her work, she'd yell at us because we'd screw everything up. But something to the point of where you where I knew how important it was for you to people to respect you and talk to you. When we would go to a restaurant and I would open up a menu, you would hold up the menu too, like you were reading it, even though you couldn't. But I knew what you were doing. And we was like we were psychologically linked in that time. And I would all of a sudden scan the menu and look for something that my mom wants. And I would say, Oh, the lemon picada with capers and linguini looks really good right now. And she goes, Oh, yeah, it is sounds good. And then she'd respond, you know what? I actually want something like with red meat. And that was my cue to like, okay, look for something with red meat and make it sound like you want it. Oh, you're right. I think I'm gonna get the ribeye with mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. And she's like a lot of mind game playing. Meta communication. We not mind game, sounds so harsh. But it was, it was like we learned to talk to each other. So how was that like for you? In cues, in cues. In cues. How was that like I know what it was like for me, and I explained a little bit, but before I do that, how was that like for you? Because you said there was a fear of when we would find out, and then here we are slowly starting to understand and almost like and co-do this with you.

SPEAKER_01 9:38

Because I was in so much denial, and I've always have been in denial, and because out of six children, I'm the only one, so I want to be just like them. My mind there is already in that set that I'm just I'm normal eyesight, and I can see everything perfectly and I can envision everything perfectly. But in my mind, I know I'm fooling myself. And as long as I can take care of you guys, and that's the reason why I was so strict with you guys. I want everything in its proper place so I know what everything is. Yeah. I was very strict with you guys, like when you put away a spoon and it's not in the right place, I get upset. And it was more upset because then you couldn't find it. Yes. It's because like it's letting me know how I really am.

SPEAKER_00 10:34

How out of con like how your how one thing out of your environment can change, could change everything for you.

SPEAKER_01 10:39

Exactly. That's why I don't want anyone in my kitchen because if I'm in my kitchen, I know where everything is. Well now I'm always in your kitchen, so that's that's different.

SPEAKER_00 10:50

Now I just let you do my kitchen and stay out for me. I know. No, that's that is interesting because you know it's it's funny how that how that comes to be and like what that teaches you as you grow up. Because no, and I want to talk about we'll talk about what that was like when we now talk about when Janelle was born and how things continued to change. But I remember, I do remember keenly there was times where like I would do this with you, or if I could tell we haven't gone to the bathroom in a while, so I'm gonna if I go, I'm gonna take mom with me, but make it look like it's me that needs to go and and all of these things.

SPEAKER_01 11:26

But all of that didn't come much later because in the beginning of our life, I could still get around. You could. And then but towards the end, when it was getting a lot worse, I didn't let anyone know, not even your father. Yeah. I kept it.

SPEAKER_00 11:42

Okay. You're going to now when I was already in my twenties. No, no, no. Late 30s. Or mid-30s. I think yeah, yeah. You're in your early 20s. Yeah. So let let's let's step back a little bit because we're talking about when you could see a little bit. But you know what the funny thing is, is I remember all of a sudden getting to the age where I noticed you were hyper aware of your eyesight and making sure we respected wherever your eyesight was. But before that, I didn't know we were living a different life yet. I didn't know I was having a different childhood from other kids yet. What age did you start? You know, I don't even think it was your eyesight. I think it was the car accident. Really? Yeah. Because remember before the car accident before the car accident. We would walk to your school. You would walk to your school. And not only with my mom. Okay, imagine her vision was poor, right? I'm legally blind. Legally blind. But at this point, I'm talking about the progression. But you also had that issue with your cataract where you couldn't see looking forward. So she would have to look out the side of her eye in order to even even to get that blur vision that she had. But but she would walk us to school every day. And not only would she walk us to school, we would have a race. Like, envision this, you guys. You know, Jason, you and me. My brother, me, and my mom would have a race, and she would instigate the race. She would say, Okay, ready, set, go. And it was like a it was a square patch, and we had to get to the other corner. And my brother would take the L of one way, and my mom would take the L of the other way, and I was the cheater that went right across the grass every single time because I also had the smallest legs. But I was pregnant too. When you were pregnant. So that's why my okay, that's my point, is I remember like all of a sudden how hyper aware you were, and I never knew. Like I didn't ever look at things before that moment as a less than childhood, but I feel like you hyper focused on it.

SPEAKER_01 13:41

Yeah. So tell me more. Because when you guys, I remember when Jason first asked me, mommy, because I have this med uh medical conditions called coloboma, where your eye shakes, you know, it shakes the uh people, it looks like it shakes. And she goes, Mommy, why is your eyes keep uh moving around? And us she was about about two and a half, I was pregnant with you, and I said, What are you talking about? I blew it away, you know. But I in my heart, I was devastated. I went crying to your dad that night. I said, Jason's starting to notice.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:20

Yeah. And I know eventually all of you, you know, just a matter of time is gonna you're gonna ask, you know. Yeah. But she never asks. I just knew.

SPEAKER_00 14:31

Jason is just goes, Mom, how come the I mom, why is it's the same way my son just asks me all the time, and then Quinn just gives me looks. If I think it's just there might be something to that. But it wasn't until the accident. The accident when it was compounded by you and dad being in the ICU for months. Oh yeah. Like five months and not coming home. And then your body, like I think when your body when you broke your back and the nurses started, we had nurses for the next couple years, is when I think I all of a sudden I knew that everything changed. But before that You were only five years old. I know. I tell people that that was a like uh I started stepping into more of a parental role.

SPEAKER_01 15:20

Yeah, parental role, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:21

So I didn't consider the things that I was doing helping you with your eyesight before that a parental role, actually. It wasn't until that car accident. So I know we're trying to cover so much of our trauma.

SPEAKER_01 15:34

But actually, no, that actually I really when we took you guys to the psychiatrist and you made you guys draw pictures, remember that?

SPEAKER_00 15:43

Yeah, I do.

SPEAKER_01 15:43

And and the psych the psychologist and the psychiatrist told me, uh, Mrs. Cole, look at your daughter's picture. It was all black. Everything was black. It's for a window, there's a window, but everything was black, and there's a bed, but everything was black. She goes, that's how her mindset is at now. I go, she's at a loss. She doesn't know what's going on. She's at a loss. And when they told me that, and I said, How do we fix this? And she goes, I mean, you know, she needs to express it by drawings and therapy. Well, you guys went to therapy. I don't know. I was like, Well, we didn't go long enough.

SPEAKER_00 16:23

I don't think so. I think we didn't go long enough. But it was really hard, and I think that was the thing in this is that this was like the early 90s at this point. And with you being bedridden for almost two years.

SPEAKER_01 16:37

Dad was the sole provider. And then we had Janelle too.

SPEAKER_00 16:40

Yeah. And then we had Janelle. Janelle was about one year old when that happened. And so And yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:47

She was already having surgeries. Oh that's and I had to while I'm the way I am, I have to stay in the hospital with her. So a lot going on.

SPEAKER_00 16:57

How was that for you with Janelle?

SPEAKER_01 16:59

I Janelle going through surgeries and then you were in your own medical kind of I think I put myself challenges uh on a numb situation because you just have to put one foot in front of the other because we c I I didn't know what to do.

SPEAKER_00 17:16

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 17:17

Janelle needed me, you guys needed me. That's why I called for your grandfather, Papa. Mm-hmm and asked him to help us. Do you remember he lived with us for about a month? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:27

Best man in the world, by the way. Oh yeah. He is the greatest man in the world. He is the sweetheart of the sweethearts. Yeah. Most gentlest person yet. You will do as he says because he is so sweet. You just why not? And he just made you every meal you wanted in your entire life and rubbed your back to sleep.

SPEAKER_01 17:46

Okay. But the only thing I have to say that really, really, really sad part of this scenario is Jason and Jessica had to almost like had to raise themselves. But since Jessica is the only girl I have and Janelle was a baby, I wasn't there the every step that I was able to do for Jessica, like give her bath and everything. What happened when Janelle was growing up, because I wasn't capable of doing, Janelle Jessica was doing a lot of the teaching her how to bathe herself, how to brush her hair. So she became like a little mother too. Yeah. To Janelle. Yeah. That was a bit. And that's so unfair for me, for anyone, anyone to expect a five, six, seven-year-old to do that.

SPEAKER_00 18:37

You know, it's funny that you say that because I remember, and I I don't know if I told you this. Maybe I did. But when the kids turned six, I had almost an emotional breakdown. Like I was very sensitive almost for like that entire year. And I told David, and I'm like, I think it's because my kids have officially had a longer, safer childhood than I did. Oh, yeah. Because the car accident, while may have been like the first big jolt, even though we don't have the time to get in it, it wasn't the last in my upbringing. And so it was just the beginning. It was just the beginning. So for me as an adult and as a mom now stepping to that role that you have, and like looking at the kids and seeing just how fragile and precious a five, six-year-old face is, and knowing that that was the time and age it shifted for me. I think I had like a really hard time. Like in a in a in a way where I think I was grieving for myself. Like Yeah, because you didn't get to have that moment. Yeah. You have that precious moment. Where I was like, this is the age I was at, and this is how cute my cheeks were and and like doughy-eyed my eyes were. Yet, like here, my kid is just rubbing chalk all over their face and and wanting to play with slime and I'm all, and we were doing something completely different. I was drawing pictures all in black, you know what I mean? And my mom was laying up in the hospital, and my dad was so was my dad. And I think also, also, I was so grateful that I'm like, I did for me what felt like the bare minimum, and I got my kids more of a childhood than I got. So I'm already winning.

SPEAKER_01 20:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:24

You know what I mean? And it's hard to say that because at the same time, I don't look, and this is something that we could talk about too. I don't look at what we've got went through. And I think, like, yeah, it was all really, really hard. But we also had like were able to like do family. Like we did family. I feel like our family does family pretty good. And so the fact that we have those moments, I think were really anchoring moments for me. When I and when I say do family, I'm talking about there was such an intentionality around being home for dinner. Right? Yeah. As much as like mom.

SPEAKER_01 21:00

Because when I cook and everything's there, I want everybody to appreciate my cooking.

SPEAKER_00 21:05

And she, and I remember when your body started getting better, you would cook, you would sit at the table, and then for the rest of the day you'd lay up in bed, but you'd come down for dinner. Or, you know, if if it was family and there was celebration, even though we lived hundreds of miles away from all of our family and up north, we would all climb in the car, mom's broken body included, and drive up north to go see everyone. And I think that's really spoken to how I I have a really strong support system as an adult. But I don't know. What was that?

SPEAKER_01 21:40

For me, to me, my I think the most broad is how you value family. You really, truly value family. And that's the more I'm so proud of that because you you go out of your way. And you don't complain. You do it because you want to, not because you have to. Well, you know what?

SPEAKER_00 22:00

It's funny you say that because I think about this quite a bit. And it's also because I think I've been really, really fortunate to see people show up out of nowhere for me all the time. Like I didn't think about and actually haven't thought about that until now. But when the car accident came, we were with my aunt. And then we got picked up by my grandparents. And then even while You were the traveling. Yes, but but there was always a home, even though it wasn't a consistent home in that sense, but we had homes where people were checking in on us. Yeah. And there were a lot of different people who are still really present today. Like they haven't left. And then I think about when we got home, how we had what I always called my third grandfather, Uncle Sal. Yeah, the Italian man who lived upstairs, he pretty much left off where my grandparents left off and continued to take care of us while my mom was in the hospital and dad had to work. Or mom was laying upstairs in the nurses with the nurses. And so I think I've just seen people show up when no one had to. But what was the obligation? There's always somebody there. Yeah. And I just think like I remember some people were a glimpse and some people were huge, but I'm like, it all made a difference. So what I I know that I carry with me as adult is that we really don't know what difference we're gonna make. But if I can help you for five seconds or help you for five years, you know, whatever that means in translations of support and help, like I don't know what's gonna stick and what you're gonna look back and fondly at because I can think of a roll of deaths of people, including some of the nurses. Yeah. Grandma Donna. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Who what key people she she's the one that called out my black eye. Yeah. You know what I mean? No, I got in a fight at school. So, you know what I mean? Like, I remember these people who helped guide me when you guys were down and out.

SPEAKER_01 24:00

For me, Sal shows me how each person will affect your life in a different way. That you have no idea how they're gonna affect you. Yeah. And he was there for us because when my family was far away, he would do the cooking, he would take care of the children, he would he couldn't have been a better grandfather if it was their own.

SPEAKER_00 24:24

Yeah. Oh, he was our grandfather. I considered myself part Italian, even though I'm Filipino who's part Italian. Yeah, that's it. He gave me most of his blood. That's okay, that's another thing. This man, the Italian man upstairs, you know, that's always like my start of the story. Who was he? He was Italian man upstairs in an apartment.

SPEAKER_01 24:42

And when you had what was it, your what was it your every time I would go through surgery, I need blood because I'm anemic. And I have low, and then they would say, and Uncle Sal need uh was master blood type. Uh-huh. So he would keep he kept giving me blood until he got hepatitis. Oh my gosh, I didn't know that.

SPEAKER_00 25:04

He said, I'm sorry, Sal. Oh, poor Uncle.

SPEAKER_01 25:08

So he can't give me blood no more. Wow, no, but you're fine now. But he said, hey, you're more than half Italian now because I gave you eight ounces, I mean, so much ounce amount of units of my blood.

SPEAKER_00 25:20

Yeah. Yeah. And so like that, those are the things that I I, you know, I recall. And and and not to Uncle Sal, but Auntie Renee, like his daughters, carabless.

SPEAKER_01 25:30

You know, so it was It's amazing how you're every person you meet along the way, some they touch your life in different aspects of your life. And they make an impression. It's like a fingerprint almost.

SPEAKER_00 25:44

Yeah, 100%. And so if Papa was the foundation of kindness, and then like we just have all these, and then Uncle Sal and all these other people just showing up and loving on it. You and Dad also were pretty much that with all my cousins, because all my cousins at one point lived with my parents. And so, but to kind of do the flip side, only because it's easy to look up at this now and laugh and be like, real.

SPEAKER_01 26:07

Oh yeah, it was a lot of heartaches and tears and desperation and Okay.

SPEAKER_00 26:14

So then let's let's while we have a little bit of time, let's go to back to the point of when that point happened where you and I became adversaries and how we got through that. Because I think it's really relevant also to our listeners because I think that's something, a dynamic between mother and daughters could be between, you know, parent and child, but maybe even specifically mother and daughters. There's there's a part where that tension gets so palatable. And I think when we talk about the car accident, all the other things that happened, the disabilities. So for me, I know I started to build up resentment of being so in charge of everything at one point. I think there was also some buildup on your end of when I did surpass you in the things that I could do and like driving, and then you had to rely on me to ask you to drive somewhere, and that felt threw you into a fire of frenzy that that that happened. What was that like? And what do you think? I I kind of wanted to just set it up for our listeners. It was hard because you're my daughter.

SPEAKER_01 27:18

You're I never prepared myself that she depended on me for everything. So then when you growing up and I I had a hard time letting go. I truly did. I truly had a hard time letting go because you were starting to make your own decisions. You want this, you like, you know, I'm the one who says, Oh, you want to wear this, or you want uh why don't you wear this?

SPEAKER_00 27:44

You know, like and all of a sudden, you just want to get away from Oh, I I don't even think it was just getting away from you. I also think I was just ready to explore and watch. But I wasn't ready.

SPEAKER_01 27:55

When you were ready, I wasn't ready. And I kept trying to it's like a bird, I'm trying to put you back in your cage. Well, and it's also I had a role in the house, would you know? It's not only dad, but also the fact that I saw your your tenacity of you had a you had a personality. You're gonna do what you want. Yeah. Sorry. You did. She she was gonna do what she wants, and I had no idea to hold on to that, to keep her down next to me, but she's gonna fly away and I couldn't help I couldn't stop it. But that was it got it got pretty bad now. Oh yeah. It got volatile. It got really it went that's what I told my mom, because I used to cry to my mom, and my mom said, Cecil, I promise you, I promise you she'll come back, and she's the one who's gonna be the closest one to you. And at that time I couldn't even see that or even perceive. I mean, nothing. I wouldn't have seen it.

SPEAKER_00 28:58

It was just too, it was just our relationship became so volatile that let's let's put it in context of you you went to the hospital and when I went to visit you, kicked me out. I didn't kick you. Okay. This is one of those things I told you where we remember things differently. Perspective. This is You'll never say that you kicked me out. Oh my gosh. There's an inside joke there. We'll we'll have to have my mom back another day for that one. But uh here's the thing is, and I think this is the thing that I always hope our listeners can walk away with some things. And we've talked about support and family and the trials and tribulations, but it's fair to say, mom, that you and I have gotten better, but and we have a pretty close relationship, we're pretty I think so, transparent with each other.

SPEAKER_01 29:46

Uh Jessica is like a dog with a bone when she wants something like if I don't want to talk about it and I I just I try to run away from her like shut, like she will follow me everywhere, like mom.

SPEAKER_00 30:01

Well, I think okay, okay. And actually, this actually relates to another episode I did that talked about that is that growing up we talked about all these things, the disabilities, the car accident, some of the, you know, the diff, you know, even helping you having a disability, genome like a sis a sibling having a disability. We talked about how we moved with it, but we never actually physically had conversations about what this was looking like for us until we got to this age. And I think that was why I'm so adamant about finishing conversations, because when I started doing the work that I did working with children and started having these difficult conversations, and I would watch these kids say things that took me until my adulthood to learn how to say, learn how to feel and explore. I'm like, wow, that's the most powerful thing to actually understand what you're going through when you're going through it, versus going through it and then 15 years later looking at it and being like, oh, I was grieving. Oh, I was sad. Oh, that was actually something that was abnormal and not okay. And at the same time, we can still recognize that we had good memories, but we can also say it was a and acknowledge that we had bad memories. We didn't do that until we all became adults.

SPEAKER_01 31:17

Fair? Very fair. But also because of me, my upbringing has a lot to do with that because I didn't know how to process things, and I didn't I didn't know how to vocalize my feelings, and I suppressed them and I ran away. That's why you it kept telling me, Mom, you know, when we have a problem, you always shut down and run away.

SPEAKER_00 31:39

And then that's why I became the dog with the bone. I'm like, this is for your own damn good. I'm gonna follow you. I say that jokingly, but it is it is true. Like it is very true. But but I am very much one someone that says, hey, while we can, let's talk about this. But you don't know, have no idea. Sometimes I wanna just push you away. I know, but I'm also like you're you're getting older, and I wanna make sure things get what can get resolved gets resolved before you're not here. Well, I plan to be here, bro. I hope so.

SPEAKER_01 32:11

But I'm just saying, like No, not exactly because in all honesty, I probably started therapy maybe just a year or two ago, but and I'm almost 68. And that's pretty, pretty because until I went to therapy, I didn't know how much baggage and how much pain I was carrying. And I didn't know how to deal with those pain. And I didn't know that I was subconsciously passing it on to my children. And that's hard to admit because I'm still working on it, how to process it in my mind.

SPEAKER_00 32:54

Well, and I think that's something to be said, and it brings a lot of people, hopefully, brings a lot of people hope that you're saying at 68, it's not too late. It's not too late. And it Well, I'm not 68 yet. I'm still I thought so, and I'm like, she gets so mad at me when I age her, but I think she just aged herself. So I'm gonna go with it. 67, but I think it's it's cool to say that like at 65, when you started to explore therapy, like whenever you feel like, hey, this, I don't want to do this anymore. And you as a child, when I said I wanted counseling, you had stereotypes around counseling that goes on my time.

SPEAKER_01 33:33

Yeah. When you go through counseling, you're crazy.

SPEAKER_00 33:36

Yeah. Yes, yes. And we've we've worked past that, especially since now that your daughter supports people. It is definitely we've come a long way. And we're still, and I think that's the thing is so as we wrap up, we've acknowledged that we still are going through it, but we've found our way to the closeness that works for us now. Oh yeah. Yeah. And in in its boundary, there's things that I I ask you and you ask me to try and respect each other. And but like what if you could leave anyone with something as they're trying to like mend a relationship with their kids or just like grapple with parenting as a child and now looking at your kids as adults, what is something you would leave them on behalf of that?

SPEAKER_01 34:19

Listening to your children. It's an amazing, amazing, amazing gift. And I wish I was able to do that because I was mimicking my parents' way of growing. You give me respect because I'm your parents. I'm your mom.

SPEAKER_00 34:35

End of story. I think there's a cultural part to that and there's also a generational part to that. And I think there's something to be said though, that you moved the needle as far as you could to do better than your parents. And then I'm doing the best I can to move the needle even more. I'm gonna leave this with Happy Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day to everyone. Yeah. And thank you for being willing to be vulnerable. Um, I don't know if I, you know, gave her much time to prep. So, Mom, I just want to let you know you did a great job. Thank you, everyone. Um, this is just a raw moment that we wanted to do on Gret Gritty, because it's those moments that really teach us something. So thank you for listening. If you have any questions or um would like to be a guest on our show, um, email us at get grittypodcast at gmail.com. We look forward to seeing you soon. Bye. Say bye, mom. Bye.